W3D3 - Let Go...What is, is...Listen!

Morning inspiration...sometimes I wish I could have morning inspiration everyday day for the rest of my life! I need a little mini Kim with me all the time...the little person on your shoulder telling you what to do!! Today we talked about the way in which some performers/singers starve themselves of success. They do anything in there control to make sure they never succeed, because if they do, they will no longer be in control anymore. She read exerpts from a book which compared this sort of starving to that of a person with an eating disorder. I don't know if I quite understand this whole starving business when it comes to being a performer, but I understand being a control freak. I have to be in control of what I'm doing, otherwise everything will fall apart...WRONG!! The more you think about taking in and then letting go, the easier it is to deal with anything that comes your way. When you are working through something, take it in, and then let it go! As a singer, I am constantly trying to hold onto the top notes, or even the bottom ones, trying to make a full, big, controlled, vibrato'ed sound. Ironically, all these things happen when you let go. I have a big issue with letting go. Letting go means a potential chance for failure, becuase I don't know what is going to happen. It means that I have to open up and let my heart think instead of my brain. Or rather, letting my right brain think instead of my left. Why is it so hard to let go. Well I think it stems back to having to hide a secret my whole life about being gay. My sexuality, the thing that is a part of my very essense has been something I have learned how to manipulate to be something that it's not. And while my voice has been developing, I have used the same technique, because it's a habit. The way you do one thing, is the way you do everything! (Kim Mattice Wanat) It's incredible hard to break this way of thinking, even though I am not ashamed to be gay, and don't feel I have to hide anything anymore, the habits are still there. As an actor or a singer, when i'm onstage I'm used to performing with only certain parts of Justin. It's very complicated, but there is no way around it now. Being a performer requires everything, all of you, the whole shibang. and I live to perform. I live to communicate!! I am slowly getting out of the way of myself so I can let the real Justin Gerhard Klassen Friesen take the stage! He sneaks out every so often and when he does it feels amazing and effortless.

After morning inspiration I had an acting class with Kim in which we did some mirroring exercises while singing. It was a great way to sing, but have to be mirroring someone at the same time, so that you couldn't think as much about what your voice is technically doing. It was a brilliant exercise in letting go. During this I realized, with the help of Michael, that sometimes you think you are doing something, and you really aren't. Feeling something is very different than knowing that you are actually communicating what you think you are. Even when i read lines, I will think I have great intention and the line is going somewhere and then the Rob will stop me and say, stop being so sexual, your her Uncle. It's funny because in my head I'm not being sexual, I think i'm just getting into it. But it reads differently then I think it does. it's kinda confusing! You have to know your body so well that you can trust it.

In Alexander Tech. we worked on walking, and how when people turn, more times than none, they don't turn with there head, but rather with there shoulders. It doesn't really make sense why people don't just turn there heads, but most people don't! We hold a lot of tension in the neck, and part of that is because we don't exercise it. Another thought that resonated with me today was an idea that comes from cartoons. When a person leaves quickly, you see there trill behind them. They are already gone, but there outline, or blurred body is till left behind. We need to remember that the real world is sort of like that. We walk forward, but we leave a trail behind us. Again, it's this idea of really understanding what is going on around you. Singing is not in your head, it must be released. During my Lesson with Jackie we worked on this idea of letting go. When I sing a E, I normally want to push it out, but she challenged me to stop clenching my Larynx and just let it go..what is, is!! It was amazing because in my mind the sound was quieter, but when I asked them what it sounded like, they said there was no change in volume level. I think that the sound was no longer in my head, but out in the audience. What felt strange about this exercise is that it didn't feel like I was working. It was too easy, WHICH IS WHAT IT SHOULD BE!!

These last few days have been full of nudgets, exploration, and little steps forward. I can't wait to have another lesson with Jackie. I feel like I was on to something...don't know what it is...but it felt different, which is what I want.

Tomorrow is another day to explore, and have fun!

Passion
Attitude
Change
Extreme

Those words desrible perfectly what NUOVA is like, for!

Over and Out!